Letter to Tenants

September 23, 2011

Dog and Cat

My House on My Street

My Town, VA

My Zip Code

Dear Pets,

My bedroom is not the middle ring of a three ring circus at 2:00 am.  I do not need you running around and over my bed in circles, showing off all of your tricks together.

The stairs are not a racetrack.  Just because I step onto them does not mean that a gun was shot into the air and everyone must immediately bolt down them directly in front of me.

The bathroom is not Google Chat.  We do not all need to be social around the toilet every time I sit down.

Dog, just because you have stuck your tongue into your water bowl, that does not mean I now need to wash the bowl and give you fresh water.  You drink out of mud puddles.  Get over it!

Cat, your water bowl was not placed there for you to wash your paws after using the litter box, nor is it a collection bowl for your toys.  Drink.

Dog, the leash is not a sling-shot.  Remember that “loose-leash walking” thing we learned months ago?  Let’s try that again.

Cat, my bed is not a pin cushion, nor is it a nail file.  Leave it alone.

Dog, my rugs are not your chew toys.  Speaking of chew toys, just because I sit, does not mean it’s time to play catch.  And, if you want me to play catch, LET GO OF YOUR TOY!  I can’t throw it, if you don’t let me have it.  And enough with the slobber already!

Dog and Cat, you will both get fed.  It does not speed up the process when you bark and claw at each other, running into me while pushing each other away from me when I’m preparing breakfast.  You don't have to be touching me to get food. I will feed you in the order that I choose, and not until you leave me alone.

Cat, it is cheating when you are playing tag, to hide on the other side of the cat door and occasionally stick your paw through it to swipe at the dog.  Eventually, the dog will get lucky and instead of backing away, you will lose a toe.

Thank you for your consideration.

The Management